If Rohr ruled the plumbing industry ...

Today is the day.
They've put me in charge!
I'll have things my way.

I have brains in my head
And no time to lose.
I'll steer the plumbing world
Any way that I choose.

Oh, the places we'll go!
Oh, your prices will grow!

You're not on your own.
I know what you want.
You're gonna love me as your
'Elle President'.

Let's start with behinds. Look 'em over with care.
About some of you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
But, you're bright and you're skilled. Going forwards or back
You're too smart to show an above-the-pants crack.

If I find an offender
Bereft of a belt,
In that case, of course,
A firm hand will be dealt.

Wait, I'll do better
And sign a decree
For one-piece pink jumpsuits
For visibility.

Oh, the places we'll go!
Oh, your prices will grow!

And when things start to happen,
When customers whine
About your high prices
Stand firm! They'll be fine.

You'll add value, sell up!
Tack on turbo and stripes!
You stick tweetches and oorlecks
All over their pipes!

You won't get a complaint on repair or replace.
You'll just hand them the bill with a smile on your face.
They pay you whatever, a trillion or five,
Or I'll send them to Blau-ville for the rest of their lives.

I'll do that, you'll see,
When I am the Queen Of the whole P-H-C!

Oh, the places we'll go!
Oh, your prices will grow!

I'm happy to say so
And, gladly, it's true
That midnight callbacks
Won't happen to you.

I'll make it a super, official mandate
No leaks, tweaks or stops before morning at eight.
Every solder joint holds, every coupling stays tight.
You'll sleep snug in your bed, and all through the night.

Oh, the places we'll go!
Oh, your prices will grow!

You'll not come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Your tank will be filled. All crazed drivers parked.
Under my watch you'll not get lost for a minute.
Every truck will have rocketship radar built in it.

And not once in a day
Will you have to delay.
Not for a train to go
Or a bus to come, or the snow to snow.
You won't have to wait for a Yes or a No,
Or Friday night,
Or the fish to bite,
Or the check to come, or the cash to flow.

Oh, the places we'll go!
Oh, your prices will grow!
What things you will know!

Somehow you'll unravel unsolvable knots
Like catching the Crumple-horn, Green-bearded Schlotz
Who lived forty years in the Fernwickey's sink.
You'll handle that Schlotz in a wink, down the drink.
You'll know the Gick-Goor
From the Throm-dim-bu-lator
You'll never say, "More"
If the Skrix is much greater
Than Bungle-Bung levels of Gazamdubator.

Your numbers will add
And big problems you'll fix.
You'll re-pipe the City
Of New York for kicks.

Oh, the places we'll go!
Oh, your prices will grow!

I'll be pleased to announce
As President E. Rohr
That rock stars and athletes and Will Smith no more
Will make more money than plumbers - in fact,
Their salaries, to yours, will be just a snack.

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done.
There are dollars to spend. There are games to be won.
There are trinkets and toys and things that are practical.
You'll be on the cover of Plumbing & Mechanical.
There's more!
There's others who will come to adore
The lifestyle, the perks, the honor and pride,
Of being a plumber, the feel-good-inside
Feeling, why, they'll knock on your door.

From out of the woodwork, from desert or cave,
They'll plead and they'll beg, they'll rant and they'll rave.
"Oh, teach me the things that you know so worth knowing.
Show me the way, and the seeds so worth sowing."

And people named Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray,
Or Mordedai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
Will sit at your feet with their Channelocks.
They'll jump at your words, and tote your toolbox.

More plumbers there'll be!
We'll restock the world with P-H and C!
(Won't that make Olsztynski happy!)

Oh, the places you'll go!
Oh, your ranks they will grow!

So ,
Be your name Hot Rod, or Heatboy, or Cheese,
Or Bucky, or Rocky or Tom Connelly,
Or Frank from Philly, J.C.G. or M.E.,
Today, I'm in charge and I'll have things my way,
And starting right now and right away, today is Praise-the-Plumbers Day!

Sneetches and Horton and Cindy Lou Who,
Men, women and children, Motley Crue and you, too.
Join hands in a circle, sing this song that I made!

To the Plumbers,
The women and men of this trade,
We offer our thanks
And heap accolades.

The places you'll go.
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So, get on your way!

(Much thanks to the inspired writings of Dr. Seuss!)